A common thing I hear from clients early on is that they know about boundaries and have tried setting them, but it just doesn’t work.

Often, it goes like this—they’ve practiced the scripts:

“That falls outside what I can do well right now—my focus is on X.”
“I protect mornings for deep work, so let’s find time after 2pm.”
“I want to give this a real answer—let me check my team’s bandwidth and get back to you.”
“That’s not something I can do, but here’s what I can offer.”

They used them and felt briefly empowered.

And then… it didn’t actually relieve their stress or make them feel better.

They still ended the day depleted. They still woke up dreading Monday. It didn’t improve their situation or lift the resentment the way podcasts and articles promised.

They conclude that they’re either doing it wrong, or that boundaries work for others but not for them, or not in their particular situation.

Here’s what I tell them, and what I want you to consider if you relate: the problem might not be your execution. The problem might be that you’re trying to protect something you haven’t defined yet.

The Missing Step Nobody Talks About

It’s hard to go through a day without hearing the advice “set boundaries” from someone on a podcast or IRL. It’s become shorthand for adulting, self-care, and even professionalism. 

But the advice skips a step. A big one.

Boundaries are supposed to protect something. Your time. Your energy. Your sense of self. Your capacity to do work that matters to you. But when someone has spent years—sometimes decades—orienting around other people’s needs, deadlines, and expectations, they often don’t have a clear picture of what they’re protecting in the first place.

The reality is that it’s how many of us learned to operate.

If you built a career by being reliable, by being the one who figures it out, by absorbing the overflow that nobody else would handle—you got rewarded for not having needs. Or at least for not prioritizing them. Over time, the signal of what you actually want gets quieter.

So when you try to set a boundary, you’re essentially drawing a line around… what? You’re not sure. And that uncertainty makes the boundary feel arbitrary, flimsy, negotiable. Because it is.

The Borrowed Boundaries Problem

When you don’t know what you need, you might borrow someone else’s boundaries. This makes sense—you’re looking for a template, something that sounds healthy and reasonable.

So you try “no meetings on Fridays” because someone recommended it. Or “I don’t answer emails after 6pm” because that’s what healthy work-life balance looks like. Or “I need more alone time” because that’s what the internet says.

But here’s the thing: everyone’s needs are different. 

Maybe you actually love the momentum of a Friday meeting that lets you marinate on ideas over the weekend. Maybe your work happens outside traditional business hours. Maybe you don’t need more alone time—you need less time with people who drain you and more with people who don’t.

Borrowed boundaries can feel like wearing someone else’s prescription glasses. Technically, they’re glasses. Technically, they work. But they’re not helping you.

And time boundaries are just the most visible kind. There are emotional boundaries, identity boundaries, intellectual and material ones—each protecting something different. We’re not going there today, but it’s worth knowing the topic is bigger than “when do I stop answering emails.”

What You’re Actually Protecting

Before you can set boundaries that work, you need to answer a deceptively simple question: What am I protecting?

Not what you think you should protect. Not what a professional, healthy, and emotionally mature person would protect. What do you need to guard so you can function, create, stay well, and show up for the things and people that actually matter to you?

This might be:

• Creative energy: the mental space that lets you do your best work
• Health: the physical wellbeing of your body
• Mental and emotional wellbeing: inner peace and clarity
• Joy & Awe: activities and experiences that make you feel like yourself and alive
• Relationship: time with specific people who fill you up rather than drain you
• Autonomy: the feeling that your schedule reflects your choices
• Margin: room to breathe, reflect, think, respond instead of react

The answer is probably not one thing. And it will likely shift depending on the season you’re in. But having some answer changes everything about how you’d approach boundaries.

If you know you’re protecting your creative energy, you might realize the problem isn’t the ask itself—it’s that the ask conflicts with the two-hour block when you have the most energy to work on what matters more to you.

If you know you’re protecting your sense of autonomy, you might realize the issue isn’t the workload—it’s that none of it feels chosen.

Your boundaries don’t feel arbitrary when they protect what matters to you. 

A Small Place to Start

You’ve probably got enough frameworks.

Instead, here’s one question to sit with this week:

When I imagine having more energy, more space, more capacity—what would I do with it?

Don’t answer with what you should do, or what’s productive or responsible. Ask your inner editor to take a break, and allow the part of you beyond your title and role to list everything that matters to you. 

Maybe you’d go camping with your family, hiking, to the gym, or do more yoga. Maybe you’d take more walks, bring your pet or loved ones to the park or the beach. Maybe it’s trying new recipes, restaurants, or hobbies. Maybe it’s getting those routine checkups you’ve been putting off. Maybe it’s spending more time talking with your kids or your aging parents. Maybe it’s that passion project that keeps getting pushed. Maybe it’s gardening, organizing, or redecorating your home. Maybe it’s seeing a play, a friend, or a new city. Maybe it’s solo time at the spa, in the bath, or reading a book. Maybe you’d go on a retreat, take a class, or work with a coach. Maybe it’s more unplanned time to do anything or nothing.

Whatever surfaces, pay attention to it. That’s a clue about what you’re protecting—and that’s where your real boundaries will eventually come from.

If This Resonates

Figuring out what you’re actually protecting requires asking questions that you may have stopped asking yourself long ago. 

This is where working with an objective thought partner helps—especially if you’re stretched thin, burning out, or trying to understand why this pattern keeps repeating.

If you’d like a sounding board to explore this with you, you can book a discovery call here.