Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.

~ Bessel van der Kolk – Psychiatrist, Author, Researcher and Educator of Trauma

Unhealed wounds follow us into every present moment.

These wounds, often invisible to the untrained eye, linger in the background as we navigate our daily lives, including our work.

In the workplace, our unresolved trauma can resurface during stressful times, overwhelming moments, or triggering events. The way this manifests often depends on the type of trauma we’ve experienced.

Before exploring examples of how early trauma can emerge at work, let’s establish some basic terminology.

What do we mean when we say trauma?

Trauma isn’t always a big singular event with a clear beginning and end, like a fire, death, or accident. It can also encompass difficult experiences that occur unpredictably or continuously, such as illness, abuse, or neglect.

Three leading trauma experts define trauma as follows:

• Peter Levine, considered one of the founding fathers of trauma research states, “Trauma is not what happened to us, but what we hold inside us in the absence of an empathic witness.”

• My teacher, Gabor Maté defines trauma as “not the event that happened or didn’t happen, but what happened inside you as a result.”

• Bessel van der Kolk describes trauma as starting when something overwhelms us, especially without support from another person. He emphasizes that trauma doesn’t end there – it changes our brain, increasing our tendency towards fight-or-flight responses (survival physiology) later on.

If you follow the work of these and other pioneers in the trauma field, the agreement is that trauma changes us. Its impact often leads to disconnection from our authentic selves or natural essence. This disconnection isn’t wrong; it’s a natural, biological survival mechanism that allows us to:

• Bear the unbearable by not feeling the full intensity of the pain
• Appease those who might cause further harm
• Make decisions prioritizing a sense of “control” and “safety”

Society generally understands and shows compassion for those experiencing PTSD. However, we’re not yet as aware of the effects of complex trauma (CPTSD) or Complex Relational Trauma Response (CRTR). Unlike single-event trauma, these conditions result from ongoing exposure to inescapable difficult experiences.

But similar to single-event trauma, there are aftereffects of complex trauma that require equal attention and support. The good news is that luminaries such as Bessel, Peter, and Gabor are leading the way in educating and advocating for the awareness of complex and developmental trauma that will support the healing of many. 

How we disconnect from our authentic selves at work

Returning to the concept that unhealed wounds accompany us into the present, it’s important to recognize that the workplace is often full of triggers for these wounds.

If you’re on a journey of self-healing, understanding how complex trauma can affect your work life in various situations and to different degrees may be valuable. Awareness often paves the way for developing new strategies.

The following is based on the principles of the polyvagal theory.

1. Combat

Examples of combative reflexes:

• Responding defensively to feedback
• Engaging in “blame games” or power plays, including excessive criticism of others 
• Sabotaging others’ work or withholding important information

Combat is the strategy to fight. There’s good that can come from the courage to stand up for what we believe in if channeled intentionally. However, when escalation is a reflex rather than a thoughtful response, we end up sacrificing our peace.

We developed this combat strategy early in life when we realized we had to fight for self-preservation, as no one else was coming to our rescue. Our experiences taught us that it’s “me against the world” and “if I don’t fight, I’m going to get destroyed.”

However, relying on combat as our primary strategy at work has significant drawbacks including limiting our potential for learning and growth and shutting ourselves out of opportunities that come from collaborating with others. Most people we work with would rather experience creativity, levity, and ease than be in constant battle. If we’re honest, even our combative parts are often exhausted and prefer a more pleasant and harmonious way to get to the finish line.

2. Avoidance

Examples of avoidance reflexes:

• Holding back from speaking up in meetings
• Removing oneself from high-visibility opportunities
• Choosing not to pursue the project or role that one desires

Avoidance is using the “hide” strategy to avoid being seen.

We developed the avoidance strategy early in life when it effectively kept us out of harm’s way. We learned to dim our light – not to speak up, show up, or challenge directly, as these were the safest approaches for our nervous system at the time.

However, this strategy limits our ability to lead. It holds us back from sharing our insights and perspectives and showcase our leadership presence. When we use avoidance as a coping strategy, we miss out on moments to shine, connect, and develop meaningful relationships which facilitates many of the opportunities and experiences we seek in and out of work. 

3. Disconnect

Examples of disconnection reflexes:

• Zoning out in meetings
• Feeling apathetic about work, colleagues, and just going through the motions
• Lacking motivation and energy to do the work or show up fully 

Disconnection is the strategy to numb out. This is when our nervous system is in energy conservation mode because it’s overwhelmed and drained. 

We learned to numb ourselves and disconnect when it was once our best option to avoid feeling, especially in our youth when we couldn’t leave or change the situation.

If we use disconnection as our main strategy at work, we find ourselves feeling “empty,” or “dead on the inside,” even if we’re meeting business goals on the surface. Disconnection robs us of our passion, joy, and heart-centered connection with ourselves and others, in and out of work. 

4. Appeasement

Examples of appeasement reflexes:

• Agreeing with someone even when we disagree internally
• Taking on extra work or staying late unnecessarily to appear more dedicated
• Taking blame for problems we didn’t cause to protect others

Appeasement is the strategy that caters to someone else’s truth, opinions, preferences, and ego over our own. 

We learned this strategy when we were taught others’ needs were more important than ours. We were rewarded when we put others’ needs first and punished if the needs of others weren’t met.

The negative impact is that without intentionally trying to, as adults, people may experience appeasement as unoriginal, inauthentic, performative, or disingenuous. More harmfully, appeasing others often requires us to deprioritize ourselves – our needs, wants, truths, and preferences.

Other survival physiology reflexes 

Our survival physiology turns on when we believe we’re under threat (real or perceived). 

The above four types of reflexes implemented in the workplace mirror survival physiology – fight, flight, freeze, and appease (also known as fawn).

Depending on the state of our nervous system, we may compensate for our physiology by engaging in hyperfocusing or disengaging behaviors that help us feel better and give us a sense of control in the short term but create additional problems down the road. 

Examples of other survival physiology reflexes at work: 

• Excessive checking of emails and messages
• Delaying decision making 
• Excessive re-checking work
• Interrupting or talking over others in meetings
• Eye-rolling or other dismissive body language
• Overthinking or being overly alert to potential threats 
• Distrust of colleagues or figures of authority
• Tendencies to overwork

The examples provided in this article are termed “reflexes” because they’re rarely intentional decisions. Most people who experience these reflexes wish they didn’t, as they often create additional problems in the long run. However, when the body experiences survival physiology, the need to immediately protect oneself is a strong natural human reflex.

Final thoughts

Survival reflexes, while well-intended often limit curiosity, creativity, joy, and peace – qualities essential for doing our best work.

Although it might be tempting to want to get rid of these default reflexes overnight, consider approaching these old strategies with gentle compassion and curiosity. 

In my experience, attempting to disarm survival behaviors directly is less effective, as self-preservation is a powerful reflex. Instead, what’s more useful is to explore what in your environment triggers your body’s survival response and work on building internal capacity.

Sometimes, we can develop a different relationship with these triggers, transforming them from threats into neutral or even positive experiences. Other times, we can nurture a new mindset or heartset that allows us to engage with challenging situations differently. This approach helps create neutral or positive experiences with what was once perceived as dangerous, forming new body memories that reshape our nervous system.